No Way 5 and 1
by T'Key'la
Summary: I love the 5 and 1 stories so this is my attempt at it. Don't know if I really love it so I'll let y'all decide.


**5 Times Jim Kirk Said It and 1 Time He Really Really Meant It**

V

Captain Kirk was eating his lunch, more interested in the information Spock was giving him than the contents of his plate. "Are you sure Admiral Archer said that?" Jim laughed. Spock raised one telling eyebrow, the silent amusement clear to Jim. "Okay. Of course you're sure," Jim had to conceded. They both looked over at the door as Ensign Chekov rushed into the mess and straight over to their table.

"Keptain, Keptain," Chekov said in his excitement.

"Chekov," Jim responded with a smile at his navigator's undisguised enthusiasm for almost everything.

"Look what I found, Keptain. A real copy of Egorov's 'The Winter Palace Guard,'" Chekov said, his excitement palatable.

"No way," Jim responded, admiring the bright red leather bound volume. "This is fantastic."

"It is, sir. I would like for you to read it, please," Chekov said, placing it next to Jim's elbow. "Then we can discuss their military strategy?"

"Sure," Jim agreed. "I bet we can learn a lot from their tactics."

"So do I, sir," Chekov agreed. "You'll let me know when you've read it?"

"Of course. Thanks for trusting me with it," Jim said, smiling as Chekov left just as enthusiastically. When he was out of the mess, Jim focused back on Spock, seeing the quizzical expression almost on his face. "What?"

"Do you really intend to read this tome in excess of 700 pages, sir?" Spock asked in a low voice so they could not be overheard.

"No way," Jim assured him, starting on his dessert. Spock's expression had changed to slightly disapproving. "What now?"

"You lied to the Ensign, sir."

"Not exactly. I'll discuss it with him," Jim assured him.

"Without reading it?" Spock asked.

"Without reading it again," Jim corrected.

"Again?"

"I read it in high school, Spock. I wrote a term paper on it. On all 700 pages, god help me. Did make an A."

IV

"Spock," Jim called with some urgency in his voice as he raced back to the entrance of the cave where they had taken refuge. "No way out."

"Then I suggested we simply wait for the storm to pass, Captain," Spock suggested, squatting at the entrance to the cave. Outside the storm was at full strength, lightening splitting the endless black clouds, the rain falling sidewise, the thunder a cacophony of sound and fury. They had beamed down to the planet to gather some samples but Jim and Spock had been caught in the thunderstorm they had failed to predict. The other members of the away team had been transported first, Jim and Spock running out of time. They were in no danger but the ship could not transport them until it passed.

"There must be another option," Jim said, backing further into the cave.

"I do not know of a third option, sir. The storm should last only 1.42 hours," Spock said, watching the brilliance of the storm.

"No way," Jim said breathlessly. "Are you sure it will last that long?"

"I am not entirely certain, sir," Spock said. "However storms such as this one have been reported to last an average of 2.2 hours."

"Oh," Jim said softly, squatting further down the entrance of the cave. He started when a particularly loud clap of thunder echoed around them. "Oh shit."

"Sir?" Spock finally asked, turning his full attention to his Captain. "Are you unwell?"

"I'm…uhm…fine," Jim lied, his arms wrapped tightly around his drawn-up legs. The next clap of thunder made him close his eyes and rest his forehead on his knees.

"Captain, you do not appear to be fine," Spock contradicted quietly. He did not wish to argue with his Captain, the general result when he tried to figure out what his Captain was really thinking.

"It's the thunder, Spock," Jim finally admitted very quietly. "It has always scared me."

"It is no more than a metrological phenomena, sir," Spock reminded him, almost using his most scientific-explanation-voice.

"I know that, Spock. I just can't really…believe it."

"Why are you frightened of thunder?" Spock finally asked, moving closer to his Captain and squatting before Jim to block some of the opening from his field of vision.

"When I was five, there was a tornado. And I was home by myself. I was sure the house was going to be blown away."

"Why were you alone in a tornado?" Spock asked, his ire raising at the idea of a small child alone under such horrifying circumstances.

"Mom was off-world. And the woman who was supposed to be watching us was out drinking. Sam was… well, I don't know where he was. I went to the storm cellar." Jim shrugged, curling even tighter as another clap sounded, echoing through the cave.

"What can I do to assist you?" Spock asked as kindly as he ever did.

"There's no way you can help, Spock. I'll be okay. I know the thunder can't hurt me," Jim said in a small voice. Neither of them thought he believed his words.

"Perhaps if I talk to you, it will assist in distracting your mind from the storm?" Spock suggested.

"What will you talk about, Spock? How your Captain is really a chicken shit at heart? And there is no way he should have been captain to start with?" Jim asked softly, no bitterness in his words.

"On the contrary. I will talk about the admiration I feel for my Captain. For his intelligence, his creative solutions to almost any situation, the admiration and loyalty of his crew, how I would choose to serve no other Captain."

"Really?" Jim asked, slowly lifting his head to look at Spock, warmed by the words he had said.

"Have you ever known me to lie?" Spock asked. Jim was pretty sure he was being teased and he didn't mind one bit.

"No way," Jim agreed, a small smile playing on his lips.

III

"No way," Jim said again to Bones who was stalking him in sickbay, the hypospray at the ready.

"You can't go planetside until I administer these boosters," Bones repeated in his 'stop being a stubborn four-year-old' voice. "Regulations."

"To hell with regulations. I don't want to puke my lunch all over the planet's dignitaries."

"It's not going to make you sick, you baby," Bones said in full blown annoyance. "Hold still."

"Get away from me," Jim said, backing away and straight into the overly warm and firm body of his first officer. Jim tried not entirely successfully to not notice how very warm and firm the body of his first officer was against his back.

"Again?" Spock asked, one eyebrow raised.

"You're willing to help him kill me?" Jim demanded of Spock.

"The doctor is trying to ensure your well-being, Captain," Spock told him sensibly. "And if you do not submit to his ministrations, we will be late arriving on the planet."

"I'm going to bring you both up on charges of mutiny," Jim claimed, finally standing still so McCoy could administer the hypospray into his neck.

"You can try. You will not succeed," Spock informed him, still close enough to catch Jim when he passed out in reaction to the shot.

"Crap," Bones said, scanning Jim when Spock had him on the biobed. "I was sure it wasn't going to happen this time."

"You are not to blame," Spock said, studying his unconscious Captain and wishing his eyelids would hurry and open so he could see the bright blue of his eyes.

"Move, please," Bones requested, administrating yet another hypospray to counteract the effects of the first one.

Jim suddenly sat up, staring at Bones. "I hate you."

"Yeah. I know," Bones said with a sigh. "I'm sorry. You can't go planetside yet."

"No way, Bones. I have to go down. I'm fine," Jim said, the pounding in his head contradicting his words.

"I will go and make your apologies, Captain," Spock said.

"How long?" Jim asked Bones, laying back down so maybe the room would stop its ridiculous and unnecessary spinning.

"Twenty minutes," Bones promised.

Jim closed his eyes and nodded. "Go Spock. I'll be there as soon as I'm allowed."

"Yes, sir," Spock agreed, nodding to the doctor before leaving.

II

"No way," Jim laughed again as Uhura continued regaling him with the story of the argument she had witnessed between Scotty and Keenser. It had involved sandwiches, and Scotty's illegal still that no one, least of all the Captain, was supposed to know about, and whether or not Keenser was the one who had left the shower running in Scotty's quarters effectively flooding it.

"Keenser kicked him, twice. Scotty threatened to cut him off from the still. Keenser threatened to tell you about it but Scotty talked him out of it," Uhura laughed.

"No way Scotty thinks I don't know," Jim said in amazement.

"I'm sure he knows you know. But we all like to pretend you don't," she reminded him with a saucy wink.

"I'm not as dumb as some people think," he reminded her with a laugh.

"No way you could be, farm boy. You couldn't dress yourself," she said, sashaying away, his laughter ringing in her ears.

I

It was going to a routine away mission, a sure sign that all hell was poised to break loose at the slightest provocation. There was no sign of threatening animal life on the uncharted planet so Jim decided he would beam down with the away team. Spock had raised only a token objection, understanding that the Captain's natural restlessness and curiosity had to be satisfied periodically or they would all suffer the consequences. McCoy had agreed to stay on the ship, better to tend to the wounded should the need arise. And everyone was certain that the need would indeed arise.

"No way," Jim replied to Sulu when he informed him that he had found what appeared to be a very rare form of _Eriogonum_ _capistratum_ that apparently grew wild on the planet. If Sulu were correct, and they could coax it into growing off its native planet, it would go a long way to help feed some of the more unstable planets in the quadrant. Jim told Spock he was going with Sulu to have a closer look, Spock agreeing absently, so absorbed was he in examining a tree that had blossoms that looked like giant roses.

Sulu led Jim back to the area where he had seen the plant in question, the meadow sloping down toward a stream. Sulu went easily down the incline, standing beside his find.

"Here it is, Captain," Sulu said, looking up to watch in horror as Jim's foot slipped out from under him and he fell backwards, his head impacting on a rock with a sickening thump. "Oh shit," Sulu said, scrambling back up the hill much less gracefully than he had gone down it. "Captain. Are you okay?"

"No way, Horatio. Cactus sweater algorithm puppies wonder," the Captain said as he slowly sat up.

"What?" Sulu asked, staring at his Captain.

"Macaroni popcorn mustache rainbow?"

"Mr. Spock," Sulu said into his communicator. "I need you here."

"On my way," Spock agreed, recognizing the tone in which the Lieutenant had conveyed the request. It undoubtedly meant Jim had found trouble where none previously existed. As he slowly descended the hill, he watched Jim talking to Sulu and expectantly wait for the reply that never came.

"Snowman belief pillow further?" the Captain demanded to which Sulu's only response to stare at him.

"Captain," Spock said, drawing his attention away from the younger man.

"Blossom focus starlight horses," the Captain informed Spock.

"Yes. Quite," Spock said, opening his communicator to request immediate transport directly to sickbay.

"Growls shoe movie?" Jim asked as they materialized in sickbay.

"I believe so," Spock said, leading him gently by the arm to one of the biobeds. "Sit please."

Jim shook his head. "Slow sofa serenade station."

"It is important that you sit on this biobed," Spock coaxed. "Please Jim. For me."

Jim stared back at Spock, eyes wide and his breathing shallow. He slowly nodded, sitting on it as requested. "Quilt pumpkins parachute blanket?"

"I believe so," Spock repeated, looking over at McCoy when he finally arrived.

"No way, Claudius. Handwashing scratching traveling suddenly?"

"Yes, indeed," Spock responded but Jim still stared quizzically at McCoy.

"I agree," McCoy said with a nod. "Do you have a really bad headache?"

Jim nodded slowly. "Teacup affirmation raincoat cookies."

"I would imagine," McCoy said. "I need you to lie down, please."

Jim looked at Spock as though he needed a second opinion concerning the request.

"It would be best if you did, Jim," Spock said gently.

"Hamlet spokes icecubes pudding," Jim said in response, laying flat on the biobed and closing his eyes. "Sonatas?" he asked, looking up at Spock.

"Yes, of course," Spock agreed.

McCoy gently guided Spock a few steps away from the bed talking in a low voice. "I'm sure you can guess he has a concussion."

"It was my assumption," Spock agreed. "What must we do?"

"Mostly we have to watch him. And he needs to stay here in case it gets worse. Can you stay? He seems calmer with you around."

"Of course, Doctor. I will remain for as long as you advise."

"He doesn't have any inter-cranial bleeding, which is a good sign. He should be back to his version of normal in the next 24 to 36 hours."

"I see," Spock said, turning toward the bed when Jim began talking again.

"Go ahead," McCoy said, nodding toward the Captain.

"Platter banana history," Jim told Spock when he stood by the biobed.

"Are you certain?" Spock asked.

Jim nodded with a frown. "Overalls firehouse pecans tablecloth vitamin."

"Can he have something to eat?" Spock asked McCoy.

"He's hungry?" Bones responded, looking between Spock and Jim.

"I believe so. Several of his words relate to food. Will it harm him?"

"No. I'll get you an apple," McCoy said, going to get one from the small refrigerator he had in his office. "Here you are."

Jim accepted in with a nod. "Baseball argyle."

"You're welcome," Bones said as he walked away, wondering if they were all going to have to learn a new language. Each time he walked by, Jim was saying a string of words to which Spock would respond as though it made all the sense in the world. Spock's answers seemed to be what Jim wanted so Bones left them to it, wondering if it was making Spock's head hurt or if he was just letting the words wash over him and saying anything that came to him when there was a pause.

Several hours after Jim had been beamed aboard, he fell asleep, McCoy assuring Spock it was fine. All of Jim's vitals were normal and his pupils were equal and responsive. Whatever short circuit that had been caused when he hit his head would work itself out. Bones had no idea how long that might take.

Jim woke slowly, his head still throbbing. Spock was watching him, an expression on his face Jim did not fully recognize. "Spock?"

"Captain," Spock said in relief. "How are you feeling?"

"My head is killing me. Am I on the ship?" he asked with a confused frown.

"Yes. We beamed you back after you fell."

"I fell?" Jim repeated.

"On the planet. Sulu was attempting to show you a plant he had discovered. Your footing slipped and you suffered a concussion."

"Oh. It wasn't a dream," Jim said, closing his eyes.

"It was not."

"And I said a whole bunch of words that didn't make sense," Jim said.

"Yes. Do you remember the episode?" Spock asked.

"Unfortunately. I was hoping it was a bad dream. I kept telling you what I wanted but you refused to listen."

"Had I understood, Captain, I would have complied," Spock assured him.

"No way," Jim said with a sigh.

**And the one time he really really meant it.**

"No way, Spock," the Captain practically yelled at him. "No way in hell are you marrying that woman."

"Your anger is illogical, Captain," Spock said as he continued packing to transport down to New Vulcan to fulfill his obligations to the remaining Vulcans. He and Uhura had had a natural parting of the ways some time before and although she was not happy with his decision, she refused to stand in his way,

"It's not illogical, Spock. You can't resign from Starfleet. You can't even have children."

Spock stared at the Captain with frozen black eyes. "That information is confidential."

"From your captain?" Jim scoffed. "No way. Just like there's no way you are leaving this ship to marry a stranger."

"It is my duty, Captain."

"What about your duty to Starfleet? To Enterprise? To me?" Jim demanded.

"I have fulfilled my obligations in every sense of the word, sir."

"No you haven't. You haven't fulfilled your obligation to me," Jim said, his voice softer, his eyes sad and a dangerous blue.

"In what way have I failed, sir?"

"You have failed to admit how you feel. You have failed to understand how I feel," Jim said. "And there is no way you are leaving here until you do."

"What would you have me say?" Spock asked, his tenuous hold on his emotions threatening to slip.

"That you love me. That you know I love you. That we are supposed to be together," Jim said in a strange but intoxicating mix of anger and pleading.

"Is that what you really believe?" Spock whispered.

"I always have. I thought you would have figured it out by now," Jim said sadly.

"Why did you not just tell me?"

"I did everything but. And remember when I had that concussion and nothing I said made sense?"

Spock nodded, watching the face of the man he truly did love about all others.

"Every time I said anything, I was telling you I loved you. But you didn't understand. You couldn't understand," Jim said in a whisper.

"I…did understand, Jim. I was scared of admitting it," Spock confessed.

"No way," Jim said, a smile breaking out all over his face.

"Yes way," Spock sighed.

"So you're staying, right? With me?" Jim asked.

"Is there anyway I could leave now?" Spock asked in complete concession.

"No way," Jim said, happier than he thought he'd ever have the right to be.


End file.
